.tied up.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

wall.

why do u build a wall between yourselves?
you shut each other out.
one claiming that the other is "stupid".
we had dinner.
you bit your lip.
you complained about your ulcers.
i asked, "daddy, are u stressed?"
your reply, "i'm stressed about your mum."
"huh?"
"i can't love her."
"what do you mean you can't love her?"
"i've tried. it's not like i haven't! i've tried. but i can't.
i send her to work everyday.
i pick her up everyday.
she doesn't even tell me what time she starts work.
so i get up early everyday.
and she'll just say 'oh i don't start work til 8.30am'
and she expects me to know her daily schedule when it changes everyday.
she expects me to wait for her to have dinner everyday.
suddenly after i've waited so long she'll say 'oh i'm having dinner out'.
i can wait for her for half an hour and when i'm a minute late her face changes colour."
i sat there and thought to myself.
i guess i understand you on that part.
mum really acts like a queen or a princess and desires to be waited upon like one. which sometimes irritates me like crazy.
but of course i didn't tell him that.
i just sat there and ate my noodles.
thoughts flowed through my mind.
i remembered how daddy said it's mum's fault if daddy falls in love with another woman.
goodness.
he told me that when i was sec 2.
mum came soon.
sat down.
peered at our dinner.
they didn't speak.
i tried to break the ice.
"mum what are you having for dinner?"
she kinda sneered and looked away.
(ugh! i hate it when she acts all great and impt)
i figured i really wasn't helping much.
she didn't wanna eat anything.
as so she said.
but i knew she wanted.
so i pulled her away and brought her to Mr Bean.
cause i knew she liked mr bean and i liked it too... so it was good i guess.
daddy then said he'll see us in the car.
he left.
"mum, can u talk please?"
silence.
"mummy, if you don't talk then i wouldn't know if u're happy or sad."
silence.
"you wanna eat me bean?"
i dragged her there.
i ordered.
and she told me to tell the lady her order.
yay.
she spoke.
we went to sportslink after tt.
took the lift up.
"mummy, what's with you and daddy? why don't u both talk?"
"well, sometimes you just don't want to talk to someone stupid."
"stupid?"
"yeah. yesterday he said to meet me at the front and later he said to meet at the back. we were supposed to have dinner out. wait for him for ten minutes. then he said to go home for dinner."
"oh"
conversation about daddy ended.
i didn't know what to say.
i don't.
i'm bad at trying to salvage such stuff.
i don't know what to do.
what to say.
so i just shut up after they've whined about it.
at least they've let it out right.
i remembered the other time i told my brother abt their situation.
both of them got so pissed at me.
cause my brother did radical things about it.
he sat them down.
and forced them to talk about it to themselves.
he refused to let them leave until they've settled it.
and my parents were angry.
real pissed at me.
i guess also due to the fact that it was before dinner.
and a hungry man is an angry man right?
anyway.
then daddy and mummy told me separately that they will never tell me anything anymore.
but i tried to explain to them tt i thought tt was a good idea to tell jor.
cause i didn't know what to do about it.
and he should know anyway.
so oh well.
it turned out quite sour.
took a lont time for then to start talking again.
i hope they will start talking soon.
it's frustrating for HER to call my handphone asking me abt my father's whereabouts and if "we" (meaning "he") was having dinner --> hinting that she wants a lift home.
she obviously needs him.
and relies on him.
but both of them are just to stubborn.
tt's where i got my stubborn-ness from.
we all run away from out problems.
that's my style.
i run away.
i don't know how to tell them to face it and talk.
cause i don't know how to do that myself.
stop building that wall between yourselves.
you're hurting urself.
and u're hurting me.

[ Jude whispered ][ 8:17 PM ]

- - - - -